


Crawling in my Skin

by parallelcurtains



Series: Social Media AUs [8]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Drinking, Established Relationship, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid!Isak, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Relationship Issues, Secrets, and the best and most accepting of course, even is worried af, feat. drunk!Isak a lot, isak needs time to accept himself, keeping secrets from your boyfriend, lesbian!eva, lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:15:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 97
Words: 13,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27976458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parallelcurtains/pseuds/parallelcurtains
Summary: Isak and Even have been going strong for almost 3 years now. They are the picture-perfect dream couple that everybody envies just a little. However, Isak has a secret, he doesn't feel comfortable sharing with anyone. Not even Even - especially not Even.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Series: Social Media AUs [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1926439
Comments: 54
Kudos: 236





	1. Introductions

**Author's Note:**

> With this one, I wanna do something that was interesting while posting it on Twitter: I'll put some of the Tags later when I actually start posting the AU - so, that way, if you feel comfortable with it, you can let yourself be surprised and guess what Isak's secret is. If you don't, you can read the tags before you actually start reading because they'll be up there with the first "real" update. I have learned that different things can be triggering for people, so I want you to feel comfortable reading all of my stories and if you think you won't, you should sit them out (goes for all of them, not just specifically this one). <33
> 
> I'm currently not on Twitter anymore, so this is (for now) the only place you'll be able to read my AUs. I don't know if I'll reactive my AU Twitter account eventually or not... right now, I just feel overwhelmed with all the workload in my life, so that I can't deal with the pressure of "having to" update and the stupid SM bullshit happening there on top. Feel free to talk to me on [tumblr](https://parallelcurtains21.tumblr.com/) if you want, though.  
> Starting this as soon as the old one is finished. :) <3
> 
> If you haven't read Social Media AUs before, it might take some time to get used to it. But basically, the story is made up of chats, tweets, and Instagram posts. The first part of my AUs is always a character introduction done by showing their Twitter (and sometimes Instagram profiles). I also like to use music in a way and I recommend listening to the songs I use (ksksks, no I do not have a great taste in music but they fit the story) and sometimes other elements. And there are written parts, too. You'll get the hang of it! :-) <3
> 
> Other things to mention:  
> \- English is not my first language + nothing of this is proof-read, mostly not even by myself because I'm lazy af.  
> \- the little time stamps on the posts can be ignored (unless I state otherwise) because they're annoying to adjust and - well, I'm lazy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 10 minutes notice is not enough for Isak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said in the intro, the tags regarding Isak's secret are now added, so your choice if you wanna be in the dark about it or not. I hope the story will be nice to read either way. Keep safe. <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even is perfect, Isak is more panicky.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak wants to make it up to Even.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deep down, Yousef loves Isak, he's just not able to show it. ;-)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eva noticed Isak's disstress.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That didn't go as planned.

"Hi, baby!" Even entered their small apartment, all smiles, and happy babbling, while Isak smiled at him a little out of breath after rushing around the flat to put everything back into place. Even frowned at him, while taking his coat and shoes off and putting them away neatly — arraying Isak's shoes in the process, as well. "What? Do I not get a kiss?"

"No, of course," Isak mumbled, already making his way over to Even with a little smile playing around his lips. He would never in a million years deny Even a kiss. Not even on days like these. Even opened his arms for him and Isak's smile got wider. Usually, he would've flung himself right at Even, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead, he walked up to him slowly to brush his lips against Even's rather shortly and detached. Of course, Even caught on.

"Are you okay, Issy? Did something happen?" Ugh! First Eva, and now Even, too! Couldn't everyone just leave him be and let him fucking breathe for a minute? Was that too much to ask for, honestly? Clearly, he was only overreacting like this because he was so on edge lately. Even and Eva couldn't know what was going on, after all. They were just worried about him. But he couldn't do anything about the fact that it just added to his distress.

"I'm fine," Isak finally sighed, pulling away from Even. He shrugged and moved back into the room. "It's just Uni is kinda stressful at the moment... I have so many assignments that I have to hand in next week and I don't know when to do them all... And then Eva won't stop bugging me and asks me if I'm sleeping badly again, just because I look a little stressed... I mean, honestly, what the hell? I don't look that bad, do I?"

Frowning Isak looked up when he didn't get an answer to that. Normally, Even would've interrupted him already, telling him that he looked fine and that it was okay. But Even just stood there, looking at him with an amused smile on his face. Isak narrowed his eyes. "What? Why are you laughing?" Even's smile just got wider, crinkling up the skin around his eyes, while Isak all but glared at him.

"No, it's just... you're so cute," Even whispered, making his way over to his boyfriend to hug him. "So cute when you're frustrated." Even grinned at him and push one hand into Isak's curls. "But I'm sorry you're stressed... and I'm sorry Eva is bugging you. Is there anything I can do?" Gosh, he was too perfect! Isak had no idea what to do, so he just let himself sink into the hug, enjoying the feeling of Even protectively wrapping himself around Isak's body.

"Thanks, Evy... No, it's fine... but maybe we can just have a chill evening? Like... just order food and watch a silly movie?" He could fell Even placing kisses on top of his hair. "Absolutely, baby. Whatever you want."

*

About two hours later, they were stretched out on the bed with a silly movie playing on the TV screen that neither of them paid real attention to. Even was busy stroking Isak's hair, while Isak, though he had been the one to suggest a chill evening, was reading through a paper on his iPad for one of his classes.

"Babyyyy," Even whined when he had enough. He scooted over to his boyfriend to put one arm around his waist. Then, when he had managed to turn on his site, he started to kiss along Isak's neck. "Stop reading that... please..."

But Isak just ignored him and even pushed him away a little, when he reached the collar of his shirt. "Even, stop, I have to finish this," Isak complained, moving away from him.

Even pouted and slipped closer once again. "Baby, no, come on. You said you wanted to have a chill evening and instead here you are, doing Uni stuff again. You have to relax, Issy! The world will not end, just because you haven't read one paper."

"I know that, but my professor will be... Hey!" Before Isak could finish his sentence, Even snatched the iPad from him, locked it, and put it away on the nightstand.

Then, within a second, he was atop of Isak, one knee on either side of Isak's hips. "Enough," he hummed close to Isak's left ear, trailing his lips down from there to his chin. He left several kisses on the skin there, before moving his lips to Isak's. "It's time for you to relax."

Even kissed him softly, but as soon as his tongue found Isak's cupid's bow, Isak recoiled. Frowning Even sat back on Isak's tights and looked at him inquiringly. "What is it, baby? Come on, just forget about Uni for a bit, okay? Everything will be fine... You really, really need to chill."

Isak groaned beneath him and rubbed at his eyes, before looking back at Even. "I know... I'm sorry, Evy."

"No, you don't have to be sorry." Even smiled, his fingers tracing the contours of Isak's face now. "It's alright! If you don't want to... we can also continue with the movie. I just want you to stop worrying about Uni for tonight."

Finally, Isak returned his smile. Then he put his hands in Even's neck and pulled him back down to kiss him.

They kissed for quite a while until Even could feel Isak relax a little. It was then that he started to lick down Isak's neck the younger one willingly presented to him. As soon as he had reached the collar of Isak's shirt again, he stopped and took his hand's from Isak's hair to fumble with the hem of Isak's shirt to get it off him already, so that he could continue with his downward licking. However, Isak skidded away from him so quickly, he left Even dumbfounded and open-mouthed. When Even finally managed to process his reaction, Isak was already standing up.

"Sorry... I'm too tired... I'm sorry... really... Sorry..." And with that he was off to the bathroom, throwing the door closed behind him. Even let himself fall back into the bed, staring at the ceiling - a little frustrated, but mostly worried. He had no clue what was going on with Isak - but this wasn't the first time something like that had happened between them. And Even had no idea what to make of it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He just can't.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even prepared a surprise evening for Isak.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even is really worried and doesn't know what to do anymore, so Guru has to take over.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the meantime, Isak is so desperate that he wants to take on a summer job/internship.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Come and meet your Guru, Baby Jesus!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eskild couldn't work magic either.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even had a great idea but Isak isn't on board.


	15. Chapter 15




	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They love each other a whole lot.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even thinks that Isak acting weird is his fault.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak is out to relieve some stress.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe he overdid it a little.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Could he?


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak is definitely a soft drunk. And Yousef is worried about him.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you forget about that 1 follower on your private account...


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak puts it into words for the first time.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He dumb.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak got his internship - meaning he'll be able to avoid Even during summer.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak wants to go get drunk again.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even's warning about not getting too drunk clearly comes too late.


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clearly, both of them are way too drunk.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vomiting and confessions.

It was barely past midnight when Even heard an unsteady knock on the apartment door. Quickly, he turned on the bedside light, before getting out of bed, where he had been restlessly trashing about for the last two hours or so. "Evy, are you awake?" Isak was hiccupping in front of their door. "Shit, please say you're awake, I can't get the keys to work... they just won't fit... Evy???"

Even sighed a little, but then he was already at the door to open it for his drunk little idiot. Isak stumbled right into the flat and against Even, giggling loudly, as soon as he had regained his balance. "Well, hello there, kind sir!" Isak laughed and threw his arms around Even's neck. "Aren't you just the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life? God, I love you, Evy." Isak was basically hanging from his neck by now and Even tried, in vain, to push him away a little to be able to look at him. Instead, Isak just clung closer to him. "So gorgeous, Evy... I love your pretty face, you know? You're the prettiest man ever... So beautiful and so nice... you're so nice, Evy. So, so nice."

"Thank you, baby," Even muttered back. "How about we get you out of your clothes and then you'll drink some water before you go to bed, hm?" He slowly tried to walk backwards towards their bed with Isak. But it was anything but easy with the way his boyfriend kept hanging on to him while pressing the sloppiest kisses on the skin he could reach. "Issy, baby... come on..."

But Isak shook his head and started to hiccup again. "I don't wanna... I just wanna stay here in your arms, okay? I love you so much, do you even know? You're the best boyfriend ever and I don't fucking deserve you."

"Aww, now there... what are you talking about, hm?" Even finally had managed to maneuver them all the way to their bed where he sat down and pulled Isak onto his lap. "That's not true and you know it, baby boy. Now... come on, get out of those jeans, hm? Must be uncomfortable." Isak just hummed, snuggling to Even's chest, his eyes already fluttering closed every other second. "Baby, don't fall asleep now, okay? I need you to get out of your clothes and drink some water, you know. Can you do that for me?"

Isak made his best effort to open his eyes and squint at Even, while slowly nodding a little. "Anything for you," he slurred. "You know that, right? That I'd do anything for you, yeah? Anything..."

Isak climbed from Even's lap in a way that almost made him tumble to the ground. He barely managed to grab onto Even's arm and stop himself from falling. "Woah... our apartment is a carousel. It's spinning like crazy... How did you do that, Evy? Also, can you please make it stop because I think it makes me sick."

Before Even could say or do anything, Isak was already throwing up in the middle of the room, while barely holding himself up with Even's help. "Fuck, baby... shit. You could've warned me..." But now the damage was done, and all Even could do, was holding Isak and stroking at his hair with his free hand, while the younger boy continued to vomit on their floor.

About twenty minutes later, Even had managed to get Isak to the bathroom and out of his clothes.

After washing his boyfriend's face, Even left him with a bottle of water to clean up the mess in their room — it was rather a challenge to do so without adding his own puke, but he eventually succeeded.

Once everything was taken care of, he went back to get Isak from the bathroom. He was already half asleep — sitting on the toilet seat with his arms crossed on the sink and his head resting on top of them. "Baby, come on... you don't want to sleep here..." Even carefully wrapped his arms around Isak to help him get up. "Come on... the bed isn't that far and way more comfortable, baby."

He wasn't sure how long it took to get Isak to move, but once they arrived at their bed, Isak collapsed onto it hiding his face deep in the cushions. That was probably why Even almost missed that he was mumbling something while Even tucked him in. "I'm sorry, Evy... Jeez, I'm so sorry. I'm a mess... like for real, I'm so sorry. You're the best... I really don't deserve all the things you do for me and how much you love me... I wish I did, I want to deserve it, but I don't... I'm sorry for being a mess. I wish I was better for you." Even swallowed hard, ready to pipe in, but Isak continued. "I really want to be, you know? I want to... but sometimes I just don't know how... You're perfect, Evy. And I'm just me... and I want to be everything you want me to be, but I'm not sure I can do that... I mean I don't even want to go on that damn trip to Sweden... Fuck. I'm really so sorry for being the way I am."

Wait... what the hell?

Even stared at his boyfriend in disbelief. Not only that everything he said was bullshit, but... "You don't want to go on the trip?" Even felt like he sounded more confused than surprised - hurt maybe, even. "But... like, why didn't you just say so? I mean, I would have never..." He stopped when he saw that Isak's eyes were closed. "No wait - did you just fall asleep on me? Fuck, Isak!"

But yes, he had. Isak was snoring softly, his mouth wide open and a little bit of spit running down on the cushion. Even sighed in disbelief and lay down next to Isak, staring at him in the dark. So Isak didn't want to go on a trip with him... He didn't want to spend a week with him alone somewhere, where he wouldn't be able to escape him. No matter what Yousef had told him, Even was sure it was his fault. Why else would Isak do anything to avoid him? It had to be due to his latest episode... it just had to be. But Even had no idea how to ask Isak about it.

And also, he didn't want him to confirm his deepest fears: that he was being too much, that Isak couldn't do it anymore, that he would lose the best thing in his life after three years of living in a dream. No, he couldn't do it. He couldn't lose Isak. Fuck.

Even glanced at the alarm clock on their nightstand. It was 1:30 am and the night was still long. He knew he wouldn't get a wink of sleep now; his mind too busy going places he wouldn't want to follow.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Best. boyfriend. ever.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hungover idiots piecing their night together.


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak is tired.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, Even didn't actually have to help Yousef with a problem...


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it's hard to pretend that we're doing okay / When we're not / And it's killing me slowly

I've been losing sleep for a while now  
Thinkin' about us  
And it's hard to pretend that we're doing okay  
When we're not  
And it's killing me slowly  
  
I need you in my life  
Or I'm not alright  
So don't walk away  
I won't be okay if you do  
I just don't wanna lose you  
  
You've been losing faith  
For a while now  
And I'm lost for words  
And though we are having problems  
If you are willing we can solve them  
In time  
I'm just begging you to try  
  
I need you in my life  
Or I'm not alright  
So don't walk away  
I won't be okay if you do  
I just don't wanna lose you  
  
I need you in my life  
Or I'm not alright  
Please don't walk away  
I need you to stay  
To get through  
Somethings gotta give  
  
I hope we can get passed all the problems we have  
And let go  
Cause I still believe that we have the chance  
  
I need you in my life  
Or I'm not alright  
So don't walk away  
I won't be okay if you do  
I just don't wanna lose you  
  
Every night I dream about the days you and I  
Both seem so happy  
If only I knew what we'd go through to get here


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even won't be able to make the trip... or is that just what he says?!


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak overhears a conversation in the cafeteria that makes him spiral.

It was Monday. Isak hated Mondays. But he especially hated this Monday as he had had the shiftiest of weekends. It had felt as if Even was now the one to avoid him, instead of vice versa. And that could only mean one thing! He had done something dumb while drunk out of his mind and now Even was angry with him and because Even was too nice to show his anger, he avoided Isak instead. Isak just had no clue what he could have possibly done. There had been the vomiting, yes, but that was nothing Even would be so angry about that he would feel like he had to avoid Isak like this... So, it was most likely that he had said something very, very dumb. But what??

Fuck the fucking alcohol! Why had he thought that was a good idea? Oh, yes, because it let him forget about all the things in his life, he didn't want to think about at the moment, which were... a lot. Maybe in a day or two, he could coax it out of Even somehow...? Well, he would have to, because this didn't feel right. Yes, he knew that he was hiding from Even as well and that he had no right to... but he needed Even to be there. He needed his support, he needed to know that he would always be there. That was the only reason why he hadn't been able to talk to him yet. He was too fucking scared that it would change things between them to the point where he might lose the love of his life. Maybe — probably — it was unfair of him, but was there anything rational about fear?

He put his tray down on a table where only two dudes he couldn't remember ever seeing before sat and talked since they had apparently already finished their lunch. They just looked up at Isak for a second, before going back to their conversation. Isak frowned a little, before sitting down to enjoy his lunch — as much as you could enjoy food from the cafeteria.

But it wasn't like there was anything that could worsen his mood any further... Expect that there was!

Involuntarily, Isak had started eavesdropping in the conversation of the dudes at his table. And even though it was rude, he listened to the one guy complaining about his girlfriend. They apparently only have started dating like two months ago or something and she had started to behave strangely in the past weeks — something about her being distant and aggressively calling him out when he made an inappropriate joke (whatever that meant).

"And then," the dude — maybe he was in one of Isak's lectures? He looked somehow familiar — continued. "When I asked her what the hell was up with her, she came up with the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

Now, this was starting to get interesting... Isak was inclined, he wanted to know what ridiculous thing that might be. Maybe the girl had realized and told him that he was a dick? Because he obviously was!

But what came next made Isak wish he had been less rude and hadn't eavesdropped. "She told me that she's agender and that I should refer to her as they instead of she... like what the actual fuck, man???"

Isak froze in his seat clutching the fork in his hand so tightly his knuckles turned white within seconds and his fingers started to hurt. But he didn't even notice too focused on the douche, his buddy, and their talk.

"A-what?" the other one asked. "What is that even supposed to mean? They? What the hell! What's wrong with her???"

_What's wrong with her._

Isak could feel the words hitting hard in the pit of his stomach. He had asked himself that question one too many times already. He didn't have an answer. He didn't fucking know what was wrong with him! And he knew that he shouldn't think like that, but he couldn't stop himself most of the time. It's like he had to relive all his worst memories from the time before he came out (the first time).

Isak zoomed back into the conversation, just to hear the douche ending his monolog with: "... of course, I broke up with her right then and there. I don't want some freak like that as my girlfriend."

And suddenly it didn't only hurt in his stomach, but someone was also squeezing his heart way too tight, emptying it of all its vigor and love. That dick had just hit home and gave reason to all of Isak's fears.

While the guys got up to go to their next class, Isak sat there staring at nothing and clutching his fork so hard it almost gave in. Freak. The word was going round in circles in his head over and over again. He couldn't stop his thoughts, he just couldn't.

He was a freak, too, wasn't he? Maybe that wasn't what Even would think, no... but he would probably still break up with him, right? After all, he had fallen in love with a version of Isak that didn't exist anymore. An Isak that he just couldn't be anymore, no matter how hard he tried. He could not be that Isak ever again and that was why he tried to avoid Even as best as he could, even though it hurt. It hurt him so much and he knew that it was hurting Even, too. Isak didn't want to, but he couldn't do anything about it either.

And now, Even was pulling away from him, too... and maybe it was because he had found out or was at least guessing it? What other reason could there be? Fuck... he would lose Even. He would lose Even like that girl had lost her boyfriend. It was just that... while the girl had gotten rid of a douchebag, Isak would lose the best person on earth, the love of his fucking life.

It wasn't until he felt his tense knuckles getting all wet, that he realized he was crying in the middle of the cafeteria. With a lot of effort, he managed to drop the fork, gather his things, and run out of the cafeteria with his head down as quickly as possible.


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freaking out on private Twitter.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When will he finally understand that Even loves him so much and that he deserves the world??


	39. Chapter 39

Crawling in my skin  
These wounds, they will not heal  
Fear is how I fall  
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me  
That pulls beneath the surface  
Consuming, confusing  
This lack of self-control I fear is never-ending  
Controlling, I can't seem

To find myself again  
My walls are closing in  
Without a sense of confidence  
I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take  
I've felt this way before, so insecure

Crawling in my skin  
These wounds, they will not heal  
Fear is how I fall  
Confusing what is real

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me  
Distracting, reacting  
Against my will, I stand beside my own reflection  
It's haunting, how I can't seem

To find myself again  
My walls are closing in  
Without a sense of confidence  
I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take  
I've felt this way before, so insecure

Crawling in my skin  
These wounds, they will not heal  
Fear is how I fall  
Confusing what is real

Crawling in my skin  
These wounds, they will not heal  
Fear is how I fall  
Confusing, confusing what is real

(There's something inside me)  
(That pulls beneath the surface)  
(Consuming)  
Confusing what is real  
(This lack of self-control I fear is never-ending)  
Controlling  
Confusing what is real


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the meantime, Even finds something at home that he doesn't quite understand at first.

It was Monday. And this week, it was Even's day off, while Isak was at Uni until late. On a normal Monday, Even would hate this, but today was different. After the last week, he was rather grateful for having the flat all to himself and not having to make up excuses why he would be home late once again. He knew that it wasn't fair to Isak, that he should just talk to him and ask him why he didn't want to go on that trip, why he was avoiding Even so much lately. But he was just way too scared of Isak telling him that it was really his fault, that he had ruined everything with his goddamn episode.

To stop his thoughts from going in circles for the whole day Even had started to clean their apartment. He was already done with the kitchen and the bathroom and was now working on tidying up their living aka bedroom. Isak's clothes were everywhere, as well as his things for Uni. It was a mess and if Even wouldn't tidy it up every now and then, no one would. And he really didn't mind that much, since Isak did a lot of the other stuff in the flat.

Even put his Spotify on shuffle play, before starting to pick up loose sheets of papers that contained Isak's notes. It was a miracle that Isak could achieve top grades with the mess that his study notes were. The sheets weren't even dated. How the hell did Isak know what belonged where?

Once the Uni stuff was taken care of, Even moved on to the clothes. It wasn't as much as he thought it would be, but it was still annoying to divide the fresh items from the ones that needed to go to the laundry bag.

Eventually, he was done and was only left with one of Isak's jackets that he wanted to hang on the wardrobe by the entrance door. But once he had picked it up, he saw the small bag underneath it. Whose was this? It was a cute little, marine blue backpack — it might belong to Eva? But Eva hadn't been to their place in forever... Maybe Isak had bought it for her birthday on Sunday? But it looked like it was filled to the brim... had Isak stuffed it with sweets for her? Knowing those two idiots, it was probably rather alcohol...

Even couldn't resist his own nosiness, sat down at their table and picked up the bag that was exceptionally light for a bag full of alcohol bottles — and also, there was no clinking of glass to be heard.

Even frowned a little and sat the bag atop their table to open it. As he produced several items of clothing and make-up, Even furrowed his brows. So, it was Eva's? She probably forgot it was here... maybe he should text her later? Though, he had no idea why Eva would dispose a backpack with clothes and make-up at their place. But you never knew with those two!

When Even produced a magazine from the bag, however, he was even more confused. The magazine was opened to one page and it had Isak's handwriting on it.

Even made room on the table to put the magazine down and to read what Isak had written next to a cute girl wearing ankle-free skinny jeans and a raspberry red top that ended about a hand's width over the waistband of the jeans: _I really wish I could wear that some time_.

Even skimmed through the pages finding more and more comments like that next to shorts, cropped tops, cardigans, blouses, coats, hats, and even some shoes, too. _Would I look as cute in this, too?_ or _I think that's the cutest fucking shirt ever or love that color, it would look good on me_. The most striking comment, he found on the last page: _wish I was pretty enough to wear something like this_. 

And even though he couldn't quite grasp what he was seeing yet, his heart hurt at those words. Why would this dumb boy ever think he wasn't pretty enough to wear anything?

After a minute, it eventually sank in and Even gasped a little. He was so fucking dumb. He had made this about him when it wasn't. Every reason he had come up with had been about him, while Isak was struggling. God, his boy was probably confused, his head whirling, his thoughts racing, while he was simultaneously scared out of his mind. How could he have believed for a second that Isak would pull away from him like this because of an episode?

Even was an idiot, a literal idiot.


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yousef really cares.


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bit dramatic, Isak, but okay.


	43. Chapter 43

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to get wasted... again.


	44. Chapter 44

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Best boyfriend awards... Even won them all.


	45. Chapter 45

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He drunk-drunk.


	46. Chapter 46




	47. Chapter 47

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eva has to come to pick up the drunkhard who accidentally lets his secret slip.


	48. Chapter 48

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretty in pink.


	49. Chapter 49

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No spicy sauce for Isak.


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Partner.

As soon as Eva's little Seat had stopped, Even walked over and opened the passenger door to bend down and push his head into the car. Isak was indeed half-asleep on the passenger seat, while Eva was smiling at him from behind the wheel.

"Hei, Eva," Even smiled back at her, while unfastening Isak's seat belt. "I can't thank you enough, really."

Eva just waved him off with a smile: "Don't worry about it, okay? Now get him out of my car, so that I can finally go back to bed where I deserve to be at 4 am."

Even laughed, before putting Isak's arm around his neck heaving him out of the car. "Baby," Isak croaked against his neck, once they were standing on the pavement. Most of his weight was leaning on Even and he was still more asleep than awake. "Hi... I've missed you. Missed you so much, you know? Feels like I haven't seen you in days... Which is funny since we live together. Heh. You know... sometimes I still can't believe that we do. Live together, I mean. It's like this... Hi, I'm Isak, I study biology, I'm 20 years and I live with the love of my life in a one-bedroom apartment in the South of Oslo. That's so crazy... It's like I'm living my dream."

Even smiled down at him and couldn't resist planting a kiss on the top of his head. "Awww, baby. You're such a soft drunk... and so talkative. Can you maybe use that energy to walk with me up to said apartment?" Isak frowned at him and shrugged, but he started to move.

When they finally reached their apartment, Isak slumped straight onto the bed. He stared at the ceiling in fascination. "Eva is so nice..." He continued to babble nonsense. "Picking me up this late... I just didn't want to wake you up, Evy. You have to work early tomorrow... Shit, I'm sorry. You should be sleeping... I will let you sleep... Come to bed."

Isak moved to the side, making room for Even to come join him. Even laughed, while sitting down on the edge of the bed. "I don't know... I think we need to get you out of your shoes and clothes first maybe, don't you agree, baby?"

Isak turned his head in an impossible way to look at Even from under his lashes. "Can you help me?"

Even helped him out of his shoes and his jeans and then stopped at the hem of the sweater Eva had lent him, playing with it. "You look really good in this, Issy," he whispered, looking up at him with a fond smile on his lips. And Isak almost believed him. "Eva said you can keep it... I'd love to see you in pink more often, really. It suits you." Isak swallowed hard and sat up in their bed starring at Even. He wanted to believe his sweet, sweet words so bad, but they just weren't true. Why was Even being so perfect, almost too perfect, when Isak was anything but? Before he could say anything, though, Even continued: "I love seeing my partner being pretty in pink."

Thunderstruck, Isak stared at Even.

_My partner._

It wasn't only that he had used those words instead of boyfriend, no. It was more the way Even had said them, all soft and loving. It made every nerve in Isak's body tingle, it made his heart pound faster in his chest. He just loved the way that sounded coming from Even.

_My partner._

It was so nice to hear Even call him that, especially since he had been struggling more than ever these past days. Using male pronouns had never felt as wrong as it had recently. And now here was his perfect boyfriend unknowingly calling him partner.

Isak gulped and let himself fall back down onto the bed. "Do you know how good that sounds? Partner... I love it," he mumbled, already hiding his face in their cushion and almost asleep. "I love you so much, Even... So, so much. I hope you never doubt that, okay? Whether I'm your boyfriend, your partner or..."

He trailed off, falling asleep in the middle of his sentence.


	51. Chapter 51

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Isak is asleep, Even does some research.


	52. Chapter 52

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He also plays some music.


	53. Chapter 53

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after.

When Isak woke up for the first time, sometime around midday, Even was right there next to him, cradling him in his strong, long arms. Isak smiled with half-closed eyes and turned in Even's arm to snuggle closer to him. "I love you," he whispered, his voice hoarse. "I love you so much."

The second time he woke up, Isak could smell coffee. He groaned trying to open his eyes to the blinding brightness in their apartment. Who had allowed the sun to be that bright this early? Again, Isak moaned, while struggling to sit up in the now cold bed. Even wasn't there anymore and Isak vaguely remembered that his boyfriend had work. But the smell of coffee was fresh and Isak was sure he could hear soft noises from the kitchen. He frowned, but stopped immediately, as his head felt like it was about to burst.

"Faen," he mumbled to himself, finally sitting up in the bed and pushing his feet over the edge. He had to breathe for a minute or two to stop his head from spinning, and then, finally, he slowly got up.

"Hey, baby," someone suddenly said from the kitchen and it made Isak jump so much, he almost stumbled back into bed. Even was leaning in the door frame, smiling at him with crossed arms. "Good morning, you little drunkard." Isak scrunched up his nose at Even. He was suddenly rather aware of the fact that he was still wearing Eva's pink sweater. Shit! While he had still been drunk enough last night to just enjoy the feeling of the soft fabric, he now was rather uncomfortable to wear something girly in Even's presence — in anyone's presence, to be honest.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" he asked while looking around the room for some of his clothes. But Even had obviously used his absence yesterday to tidy and clean the apartment. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Frantically, Isak tried to pull the sweater further down over his boxers instead. Which made no sense at all, but Isak had no idea what else to do.

But then Even was already there, taking Isak's hands in his and kissing his knuckles ever so softly. "Baby, stop!" Even hummed against his skin, still placing kisses all over his hands. "You look amazing. You're so beautiful and pink really suits you so well. You look really good in this. Stop."

Isak almost stopped breathing while he stared at their hands. He bit his lip and suddenly a little shred of memory flashed through his mind. Even had said that last night, as well. That he looked good in this. And then... then he had said he loved to see his partner in pink. His partner. Even had called him his partner instead of boyfriend. Shit, did that mean that Even knew? He couldn't know, though, how should he know? Eskild had promised he wouldn't say anything.

And suddenly, Isak was shaking all over. He was barely capable of controlling his legs, tumbling against Even who just about managed to hold him upright.

"Baby, what's wrong?" Quickly, Even had helped him back towards the bed and pulled him onto his lap, once he himself had sat down on the bed. "Are you okay, Isak? You should maybe drink something... You're probably dehydrated and all... Maybe also a little breakfast? Let me make something for you." Isak couldn't answer, too busy with trying to steady his breath and his limbs.

When Even came back with a bottle of water and a plate, Isak had managed to calm down slightly. He was wrapped in their duvet, but he wasn't sure if Even had put it around his shoulder or if he had done it himself. "I'm sorry..." His voice was still shaking, though. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Even... I don't know what. I'm... Fuck, I'll never get drunk again."

Even's booming laugh brought calmness to Isak's body and it almost made him smile. "Don't promise things, you can't keep, baby," he said, before thrusting the bottle into Isak's hand and putting the plate down on their nightstand. "Now, drink up and then eat something. Do you want coffee, too? I made some. You'll feel better after a coffee..."

Isak looked up at Even in awe and then pulled on his hand until Even sat down on the bed next to him, looking at Isak inquiringly. Isak gulped and then he said the only thing he felt capable of saying right now: "You're amazing. No, perfect. You're perfect, Even Bech Næsheim, and I love you so much. I love you so much I don't even have words to explain it. I don't deserve you. I'm sorry for being a mess and not talking to you... I want to, Even, but I just..."

A long index finger on his lips made him shut up mid-sentence. "Don't you ever say that again, Isak," Even replied. "We both know I've been a way bigger mess than you a lot of times. And I love you just as much, okay? It's okay if you need more time, baby. I'm not pressuring you into talking to me... I'd never. But it would be really nice if you stopped drinking so much, yeah..." Isak smiled bashfully, while Even's finger stroked at his cupid's bow now. "Everything will be alright, okay? I promise... But now I need to go to work. I changed shifts, so I could sleep a little after you kept me up most of the night... I'll be home by 6 pm, okay? Eat your breakfast and go back to sleep and then I'll cook tonight."

It took Isak all his willpower to not cry about how perfect his boyfriend was, while Even got up and got dressed for work. "I love you infinitely," Isak whispered, once Even stood by the door fully clothed, ready to go. Even smiled the softest, loveliest smile, before leaving. And Isak decided then and there that he would tell him tonight.


	54. Chapter 54

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talking to the people you love the most can sometimes be the hardest.


	55. Chapter 55

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some Guru encouragement before Isak will talk to Even.


	56. Chapter 56

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak has a heart-warming talk with his best friend.


	57. Chapter 57

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone music to prep Isak for his big talk with Even.

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M  
Just put your paws up  
'Cause you were Born This Way, Baby  
  
My mama told me when I was young  
We are all born superstars  
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on  
In the glass of her boudoir  
  
"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are"  
She said, "'Cause he made you perfect, babe"  
"So hold your head up girl and you'll go far,  
Listen to me when I say"  
  
I'm beautiful in my way  
'Cause God makes no mistakes  
I'm on the right track, baby  
I was born this way  
  
Don't hide yourself in regret  
Just love yourself and you're set  
I'm on the right track, baby  
I was born this way

Oh there ain't no other way  
Baby I was born this way  
Baby I was born this way  
Oh there ain't no other way  
Baby I was born  
I'm on the right track, baby  
I was born this way  
  
Don't be a drag, just be a queen  
Don't be a drag, just be a queen  
Don't be a drag, just be a queen  
Don't be!  
  
Give yourself prudence  
And love your friends  
Subway kid, rejoice your truth  
  
In the religion of the insecure  
I must be my self, respect my youth  
  
A different lover is not a sin  
Believe capital H-I-M (Hey hey hey)  
I love my life I love this record and  
Mi amore vole fe yah (Love needs faith)  
  
I'm beautiful in my way  
'Cause God makes no mistakes  
I'm on the right track, baby  
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret  
Just love yourself and you're set  
I'm on the right track, baby  
I was born this way  
  
Oh there ain't no other way  
Baby I was born this way  
Baby I was born this way  
Oh there ain't no other way  
Baby I was born  
I'm on the right track, baby  
I was born this way  
  
Don't be a drag, just be a queen  
Whether you're broke or evergreen  
You're black, white, beige, chola descent  
You're Lebanese, you're orient  
Whether life's disabilities  
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased  
Rejoice and love yourself today  
'Cause baby you were born this way  
  
No matter gay, straight, or bi,  
Lesbian, transgendered life,  
I'm on the right track baby,  
I was born to survive.  
No matter black, white or beige  
Chola or orient made,  
I'm on the right track baby,  
I was born to be brave.  
  
I'm beautiful in my way  
'Cause God makes no mistakes  
I'm on the right track, baby  
I was born this way  
  
Don't hide yourself in regret  
Just love yourself and you're set  
I'm on the right track, baby  
I was born this way  
  
Ooh, there ain't no other way,  
Baby, I was born this way  
Baby, I was born this way  
  
Ooh, there ain't no other way,  
Baby, I was born this way  
I'm on the right track, baby,  
I was born this way  
  
I was born this way, hey  
I was born this way, hey  
I'm on the right track, baby,  
I was born this way, hey  
  
Same D.N.A.  
But born this way  
Same D.N.A.  
But born this way


	58. Chapter 58

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They have dinner together.


	59. Chapter 59

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's going to do it.


	60. Chapter 60

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, they talk.

By the time they had finished dinner and settled down on the bed to watch a movie, Isak was a bundle of nerves. It was probably now or never, and he felt as if he had no more control over the muscles in his face as if he had forgotten how to speak completely. God, never in his whole life has he been this scared. Never, not even when telling his parents that he was gay. And yeah, thinking about his parents right now, was probably a bad idea... They'd never understand this. It had been hard enough for them to accept that he was gay. Isak couldn't even imagine telling them about him being genderfluid.

"Baby, you okay?" Even next to him slipped closer to wrap his arms around Isak's torso; one arm around his waist, the other over his shoulder with Even's big hand resting on Isak's chest. Isak leaned back against him and closed his eyes in an attempt to relax a little. "You've barely said a word since I came home... is something wrong?"

Isak swallowed hard. "Yes... no... yeah, maybe... No..." He freed himself from Even's arms and turned around, crossing his legs under him, so that he could look at Even. It would be much harder that way, but it just felt wrong doing this facing away from him. "I have to talk to you. And I don't know how to do it, but I have to... We both know I have to, considering how I behaved these past months. I'm sorry I was the shittiest boyfriend ever. But I can explain."

Even huffed. "You were not the shittiest boyfriend ever, baby."

"I kinda was, though," Isak retorted with a sigh. "And please can you just let me explain without trying to soothe me or diminishing my wrongs? I behaved like an idiot; I know I did."

Even bit his lip, obviously thinking about Isak's words and whether or not he could do that. Finally, he nodded.

Isak took a deep breath while clasping his hands and staring at a spot on the wall right next to Even's head. "I'm so scared of telling you, Even... And maybe it's dumb of me, but I can't do anything about it. I just love you so much and I cannot deal with the fact that I might lose you over this. That's why I got so fucking wasted, actually... I was already scared about telling you and then I overheard this damn conversation during lunch break where this douche tells his friend that he broke up with his girlfriend because of this. And I know, I know, you're not like that, but... but still, I freaked. Because I'm still struggling with this myself, so how can I expect you to be okay with it just like that? I can't, can I? I know that you'll understand. I always knew that... But I'm just so scared that your feelings for me will change, that you won't love me anymore, once you'll realize that I'm not the same person anymore."

For a second, Isak averted his eyes from the spot he was staring at to glance at Even. His boyfriend looked rather shaken and like he was about to burst out into soothing words already. But he kept quiet, waiting for Isak to continue. "I love you so much, Even. Sometimes it scares me how much I love you, you know? Because it gives me so much to lose and to be scared of losing. I honestly have no idea how to live without you anymore. I don't want to find out, not ever, you know? Everyone always tells me that I'm so soft for you... And it's fucking true, Even. You balance me out, you make me better."

"Okay... sorry, enough of this." Isak blushed a little upon realizing how sentimental and sappy he just had gotten. That hadn't been his plan at all. "I didn't mean to... Faen, I'm just gonna say it, okay?"

While Isak prepared to finally say the words out loud for the first time, Even seemed to sense that he needed a little support, as he put his hand atop Isak's wrenched ones. He didn't do anything else, just rested it there knowing the touch would be enough to let Isak know that he was there and would give him all the time he needed.

"I'm... I just.. I'm genderfluid."

There, he said it.

Isak breathed out heavily and closed his eyes as if all hell would break loose any second now. But of course, nothing happened. Nothing at all, even Even's hand on his just stayed there. Carefully Isak peeked at Even through half-closed eyes. A soft smile was playing around his boyfriend's lips, but that was about the only reaction Isak could decipher. Even kept silent as Isak had asked him to, waiting for Isak to continue. "This was the first time I said this aloud... Shit... I mean, I... I told Eskild and Eva via text, but that was different... And not really intentional. I meant to tell you first, Even. I promise I did... But you know sometimes it's the hardest to talk to the person you love most. And I was drunk when I told Eva and Eskild mostly figured it out himself, so... I'm sorry that I didn't tell you, Even. I was just so scared... I'm still scared, to be honest. I'm so, so, so scared that you won't love me anymore... and I know that you're pansexual and that I shouldn't..."

That was when Even could apparently not hold it in any longer and piped in, shaking his head: "Yeah, but, baby, this isn't even about me being pansexual, you know? This is about my love for you... And my love for you is endless."

And that made the train of thoughts in Isak's head stop mid-sentence. He gulped and stared at Even for seconds on end with an open mouth. His heart was pounding, wanting to believe Even so bad, but his head was, once again, his own worst enemy telling him no.

"Even if that were true," he said after some more moments of loaded silence. "I'm not that Isak anymore, Evy. I'm not the boy you fell in love with anymore. I wish I were, but I'm not and I can't be."

"Hey..." Even carefully slid closer and took Isak's face in between his hands, gingerly stroking his thumbs over Isak's cheekbones. "That's not true, Isak, okay? You are still the person I fell in love with. You're still my grumpy, moody, but soft person." Isak was very aware of the fact that Even had interchanged the boy he used to a neutral person. And of course, _of course_ , he would, because that was just who Even was. The nicest, most perfect, considerate, and understanding human being to ever walk this earth. "You're not a whole new different person, Isak. This was always you and you're just now figuring it out. But you don't have to do that on your own. Isak, I'm here. I love you — I'm always gonna love you. No matter what."

"You don't know that, though, Even," Isak countered. He wanted to believe him so bad, but his fear had completely taken over. "You can't know that... And it's okay. I mean I would under-"

Even's thumb moved from his cheekbone to his lips in a sudden move making Isak shut up in the middle of his word. He gasped quietly, staring at Even in utter confusion. Even just smiled at him, keeping his thumbs upon his lips to make sure Isak stayed put and quiet. "Now there... You can't tell me how much you love me and that you never want to lose me and then keep telling yourself that that's exactly what will happen, baby. You have to trust me, you know? Trust that I love you just as much as you love me - and I do, Isak. God, I do love you more than words can say."

It was only Even's thumb stopping Isak from biting his lips bloody. Did Even realize how hard he was fighting to believe him? He probably did, because he was Even and Even always knew everything about him. To Even, Isak was an open book that he sometimes could read even better than Isak could himself. To be honest, sometimes it was a little scary.

"Baby, I have to tell you something as well," Even suddenly said, his thumb stroking at the corner of Isak's mouth to get his attention. Isak frowned a little, wondering what in heaven's name made Even change the topic now. He would've said as much if his boyfriend hadn't made sure that he would be unable to talk. "I... When I tidied the flat yesterday, I - well, I found your bag."

Isak froze, a shiver running down his spine. Even had found his bag — meaning Even had already known?! Well, of course... It all made sense now. The way he had called him his partner yesterday, the way he wasn't even surprised, and the way he wasn't struggling for words at all.

"You... fuck," Isak mumbled against the thumb on his lips. "Fuck... I completely forgot to put it away... I... fuck..."

"Baby..." Even turned his face a little and waited for Isak to look him in the eyes again. The soft look of Even's blue eyes immediately calmed Isak down a little, as it always did. "That's better... It's okay, Issy. The reason I'm telling you is so that I can make you believe my words. Baby, I need you to finally understand how loved you are, okay? And I need you to believe that you deserve it. Isak, you're the best thing in my life and nothing, nothing, can ever make me love you any less than I do."

A little confused, Isak nodded while trying to let Even's words sink in, trying to anchor them somewhere deep inside of him, from where he could take them out and listen to them all over again, whenever he was doubting himself again.

He wasn't sure if he succeeded, but he got sidetracked by Even pulling something out of his pocket. It was a small pouch that looked like those things people might put jewelry in. What the hell?

Even smiled brightly, laying the pouch on the bed between them. "Remember how I told you, I had to go buy something?" Slowly Isak nodded, his eyes fixed on the pouch. "Well... that wasn't quite true, you know? I had to pick this up from the jewelry store. I ordered it there this morning after I figured it out. Seeing your drunk little face light up when I called you my partner last night made me do some research while you were sleeping... Go on, open it."

Only when he grabbed the pouch, Isak noticed his hands were shaking. He tried, but failed to take a deep breath, before opening the pouch. Three bracelets fell out of it and onto their bed. Each one had a different color — silver, gold, and rose-gold. Isak was already about to speak when he saw the engravings on each bracelet. Baffled he looked up at Even with an open mouth.

Even smiled shyly at him. "I thought... I thought that they might... help?! I don't want to say anything wrong or hurt you by using the wrong pronouns, baby... So, I thought you can wear them according to how you feel and-" Even was abruptly cut short because Isak had leaped from his sitting position on the bed to fling his arms around Even's neck. They fell backward onto the bed together, Isak atop of his boyfriend, but he didn't care.

"Fuck, I love you so much, Even. You're the best, you're perfect." Isak kissed whatever part of Even's face he could reach from this position, while tears were forming in his eyes. "You really are... I'm sorry I doubted you. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have."


	61. Chapter 61

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There has been a change in the follower count on Isak's priv.


	62. Chapter 62

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their love. <3


	63. Chapter 63

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is just so much better once you talked it out. <3


	64. Chapter 64

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a birthday paaaaarty coming up.


	65. Chapter 65

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is ready for Eva's birthday.


	66. Chapter 66

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I forgot to mention some surprise side-couple-plot. 🤭👀


	67. Chapter 67

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Yousef loves them.


	68. Chapter 68

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Eva!


	69. Chapter 69

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak wants to go home... to bed.


	70. Chapter 70

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, not all problems have suddenly magically disappeared... but at least Isak can talk about it now.

They were stumbling into their flat, crashing right into the wall opposite of their door so hard that Isak almost had to break the kiss. But Even just kept him there, while eagerly licking into his mouth. And though, Isak hadn't had anything to drink but water all night, he felt drunk. Drunk on Even's love. They hadn't kissed like this in what felt like ages.

"Baby, please," Isak whined, once it wasn't enough anymore. He wanted, no needed, to feel Even's skin. He needed to touch Even, he needed Even to touch him.

Eventually, Even responded by dragging Isak towards their bed. Even lost his sweater, before Isak's knees gave in after hitting the bed frame. Isak stared up at his now topless boyfriend who was smiling down at him teasingly. It made Isak bite his lip hard, almost drawing blood. "God, Even, you're too hot to be true, honestly," Isak whispered, his hands on the button of Even's trousers. "Can you... why won't this... Take them off, goddammit!"

Even's laugh was low and vibrated through Isak's body. Within seconds, Even opened his pants himself and they were sliding down his legs. Isak gaped at him, letting his eyes wander from Even's lower legs up towards his crotch. He licked his lips and pulled Even in by the hips. However, Even was too surprised, so that his legs gave in and he landed on top of Isak. They both laughed, until Even pushed Isak back onto the bed, pinning him down on the mattress with his body, and started to lick into his mouth again. "You're so fucking hot yourself, baby..." Even hummed against Isak's lips.

They kissed for a while before Even sat back on Isak's thighs looking down at him as if he wanted to eat him up. Isak blushed and half-closed his eyes peering at Even through his lashes. "Baby..." Even murmured, his hands wandering towards the hem of Isak's shirt. "This is unfair... take it off... take everything off... I want to see you..."

And suddenly Isak felt like someone had emptied a bucket full of ice water over him. He leaped up, almost throwing a very confused looking Even off him. "I can't... I... Sorry, I can't... I shouldn't have..." Isak stammered, hiding his face in his hands, mumbling against his palms. "I'm so sorry, Even... I didn't mean to... it's just that..."

Even was gone within a millisecond and sat down on the other end of the bed instead. Isak wasn't sure if he should thank him or if he wanted, needed his comforting touch. Everything was just too much. He had wanted this so bad; he had missed having Even close, feeling him. But just the thought of undressing in front of him made him shiver all over again.

"Isak, it's okay, everything is alright... Calm down, please. We don't have to do anything if you don't feel comfortable, okay? Baby, just calm down, please. I need you to breathe and calm down," Even said in his softest voice. It had an immediate effect on Isak. Even though he couldn't calm down completely, he was able to take away his hands from his face and blink at Even teary-eyed. It didn't, however, stop him from apologizing over and over again.

Even waited patiently for Isak to calm down, before he carefully robbed closer again, taking one of Isak's hands in his. "Whatever it is, it's alright," Even whispered, once he was sure he had the full attention of his partner. "It's fine, just breathe and whenever you're ready, you can talk to me. If you want, of course... you don't have to, okay?"

Eventually, he received a slow and tiny nod from Isak who then got up from the bed to get something from the table. Confused, Even stared at Isak's back until the other one came back towards the bed, clutching something between his hands. Even couldn't see what it was, but the blush on Isak's cheeks made him rather concerned about what it might be.

Then Isak pressed whatever he had been fetching into Even's hands and once he felt the cold metal against his palms, he realized what he was holding. It was one of the three bracelets he had given to Isak to help them with the use of the right pronouns and without Isak having to verbalize how he identified because Even had felt like that might be hard for Isak. And apparently, he had been right.

Even slowly opened his hands to find the golden bracelet in his hands. He didn't even bat an eye, while he robbed closer to Isak once more. Isak was blushing all over by now and was trying to hide his face behind his hands. "Baby, look at me, please."

Eventually, Isak lowered his hands and Even took the chance to grab the right one. Quickly he put the bracelet around Isak's wrist so that the she/her-engraving was on top, before kissing the tips of his fingers. "There you go, sweetie. That's better, huh?"

Isak frowned at his wrist and then, ultimately, at Even. "You're not freaked?" he asked, obviously astonished. "How are you not freaked out right now?"

Even just smiled and pulled Isak closer. For a moment there was resistance, but then Isak was in his arms, sighing heavily. Gingerly he stroked at the golden curls he loved so much, knowing that it would calm Isak down. "Why should I be freak out, sweetie? I mean... we've talked about this, haven't we? You told me that you're genderfluid, so this was bound to happen," he eventually replied, before placing a kiss on top of Isak's curls. "I love you, Isak. I love you so much and this is nothing I'd ever freak out about. Why are you?"

"Because I... How can you not? I don't know... Everything about this confuses me so much, still." Isak stared at the bracelet around his wrist, carefully caressing the engraving with one finger. "I know this is how I feel right now. And I know – theoretically – that it's okay. But it's still confusing and scary... I don't know how else to say it. I know this is who I am and it's also who I want to be. I can't be anyone else anymore – like I can't go back to being the Isak that I used to be. But literally, everything about this is so confusing. I mean... Am I even still gay now? Do I want to be a guy again tomorrow? Will this come in a certain rhythm or is it completely irregular? I just don't get it, and nobody can help, since apparently, it's different for every person. And you know how it makes me crazy when I can't figure stuff out, Evy! Then there's also the fact that a lot of people won't accept me like this... And I'm not sure how to deal with it. I don't think I'm brave enough to face the comments, the looks – so, I don't think I can ever be myself outside of this apartment, except for the times when I identify as male. And to be honest, that sucks. I shouldn't be scared to be myself, should I?"

"No, you shouldn't," Even replied lowly. He grabbed Isak's hands and squeeze them tightly. "You absolutely shouldn't be, sweetie. But I get that you are, I truly do. The society we live in doesn't really allow you to not be scared. People are way too disapproving of things they don't know or don't understand. It's sad, really... And if you're not brave enough to go out there and make yourself vulnerable right now, that's absolutely fine, Isak. No one will make you and no one will judge you for it. Especially not me, I'd never. But it really sucks that you feel this way. I hate it for you. I wish I could change the world for you so that you could feel as safe as you do in here everywhere you go."

Isak felt immensely grateful for Even not trying to sugarcoat the truth. It wouldn't be true and they both knew. Instead Even just had him know that whatever he had to face, he wouldn't have to face it alone. And honestly, could he be any more perfect? Surely not! Isak couldn't stop himself from scooting over and straddling Even, kissing him softly.

"I love you so much," he whispered against Even's lips, once the rush of affection towards Even had calmed down a little. "I hope that you never doubted that in the past months, even though I... even when we didn't..." Isak blushed deeply and bit his lip. He knew that they had to talk about this, too, but it was hard. Not because they never talked about their sex life, but because they hadn't since they had stopped having one due to Isak's gender dysphoria. And he had no clue how to talk about it, how to describe to Even how he was feeling because sometimes he didn't even understand himself.

Even stroked at Isak's cheek, smiling tenderly up at him. His answer was a simple "no!" that he said with so much confidence and determinateness that it was hard for Isak not to believe him. "I mean... I was a bit scared that you pulling away had something to do with my last episode," Even admitted after a moment of silence. "But... I was dumb. You were struggling and I made it about me in my head. I shouldn't have and especially, I should've known that you'd never do this because of an episode. Honestly, we should be past these insecurities, we've established how much we are in love with each other for three years now. But I guess, it's like you said... loving someone so much, gives you just as much to be scared of to lose."

"I know. And just to clarify this, I really would never pull away from you after an episode, Evy," Isak whispered. He made himself comfortable on Even's thighs and leaned his forehead against Even's. "It's just that... I don't... I have..." Isak broke off and shrugged, blushing again.

Even reacted by putting a hand on the back of his head, pressing their foreheads together a little harder. "It's okay, sweetie, you don't have to tell me," he then said lowly. "I mean... I understand, in general, what the problem is and if you don't feel like you can put it into words right now, that's okay. You don't have to, not for me."

Isak mouthed at Even's cheek, right next to his nose, the only part of him he could reach right now. "Stop being so fucking perfect, Evy. Sometimes I can't handle it and it makes me feel like I don't deserve you..."

Even chuckled and moved his head a little, so that he could kiss Isak. "You're an idiot, Issy. I'm not perfect, anything but."

They kissed for a bit until Isak released Even's lips. "You are, though. Perfect, I mean. And I want to talk to you about it... I shut you out for long enough when I should've just talked to you from the beginning. I don't want to do that anymore, even if it's hard sometimes." Isak smiled a little, leaning his forehead against Even's again, and closed his eyes. After three deep breaths, he felt as ready as he would ever feel. "It's that I don't feel... right in my body. Not for months now and that's the reason I couldn't have sex with you. And it's gotten worse and worse to the point where I didn't even feel comfortable undressing in front of you anymore. Everything feels so wrong, Even. I feel so wrong. Right now, I feel and identify as female, but my body is not. I mean... it's not that I want it to be, but it's... strange?! It just makes me uncomfortable, somehow... It's not even all the time. I mean, of course not when I identify as male, but also when I'm not, there are days when I have no problem with my body being the way it is. But on other days, I'm already starting to freak out by solely thinking about the hair on my legs and I just want to shave it off and... I'm sorry I probably don't even make sense right now. I told you, I don't even understand it myself sometimes. It's just... I don't know... I'm sorry, Even, I'm so, so sorry. It's not that I don't want to have sex with you – I do, I do, oh god, believe me, I do. I just can't or... I don't know if that's the right way of putting it. I'm just... Fuck, I don't even know."

Gently Even brushed his nose against Isak's without saying a word for about a minute - just letting Isak feel all the love Even had to give. "You know, sweetie, you don't have to know," he then murmured. "We can just figure it out as we go, how does that sound? Together."

Isak felt the tears welling up in his eyes as Even talked. And eventually, they spilled over, rolling down his cheeks. Within seconds, Even had him wrapped safely in his arms. "Hey, now... You don't have to cry, sweetie. Everything will be just fine."

Isak just held on tight to his boyfriend, while letting the tears stream down his face until there were none left. Once he was finished, Even tenderly whipped the remainders away with his thumbs. "Better now?"

Isak nodded, shyly looking at Even through his wet lashes. "Okay, good... because I need you to get up now, okay? Can you do that for me, sweetie?"

Frowning, Isak got up from Even's lap and shuffled over to the edge of the bed to get up on his feet. "Why did you want me to do that?"

He was clearly unhappy about the lack of bodily contact and it made Even smile while he quickly got off the bed himself. "Because," he said, taking Isak's hand, "you and I are going to have a shower now. And in the shower, we're going to shave your legs. And then, you'll put on Eva's sweater and we'll cuddle while watching your favorite movie. How does that sound?"

"Jeez, Even, I love you so much more than I can put into words," Isak blurted out, throwing his arms around Even's neck. "Please, please, don't ever leave me, okay? I don't know how to live without you."

Even pulled him closer in and kissed his curls. "I won't, Isak, love. I won't... I don't know how to be without you, either, okay? You're the best thing in my life and the best part of me. I want you to always be my partner, my boyfriend, my girlfriend. And someday, even more than that."


	71. Chapter 71

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy people.


	72. Chapter 72

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smells like (weird) bromance in here.


	73. Chapter 73

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're soft, okay?


	74. Chapter 74

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak is nervous before his first day. And he doesn't know what to wear.


	75. Chapter 75

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak doesn't feel very comfortable at the prospect of going shopping.


	76. Chapter 76

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As usual, Even finds exactly the right words.


	77. Chapter 77

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Off to the mall we go.


	78. Chapter 78

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They get sidetracked by food for a bit.


	79. Chapter 79

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes some convincing, but eventually, Isak is ready to enter the store.


	80. Chapter 80

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak has some difficulties with trying on the clothes, but Even is right there.

While Eva was eagerly browsing through the array of clothes, Isak forlornly stood to one side, staring at nothing, just trying to breathe normally. Even moved behind him, pressing his chest against Isak's back and caressing his shoulders with one hand. "Do you want to leave, sweetie?" His voice was extra soft, and he made sure to brush his lips against Isak's ear – happy to see him relax against him after a second.

"No... I don't know..." Isak whispered back, leaning further back against Even while closing his eyes. "Can we just stay here for a minute and then I will decide?"

Even nodded, before resting his chin on Isak's shoulder: "We will do whatever you need, sweetie." Then he slung both his arms around Isak's body, tenderly pulling him closer to make Isak feel safe and loved.

And so that's what they did.

And even when it turned out to be five minutes, Even didn't mind. He was happy just to stand there with Isak in his arms, he could do it for hours on end. It was Eva that eventually made them move by coming over with an arm full of clothes. "Okay, look," she said, smiling at Isak with her head slightly tilted to the left. "You don't have to try them on... but all of these would look really amazing on you, Issy. So maybe you can... The changing rooms are in the back there... And we're still the only people in here, so no one will see you or anything. It's just us - well, and Noora, but I can tell her to stay away if you don't want her around."

Isak smiled shyly while taking the clothes from Eva. And after a quick glance around the store, he walked over to the changing rooms, disappearing behind one of the curtains. Before Eva could follow him, Even held her back by the shoulder, eying her suspiciously. "How did you do it?" He eventually asked.

Innocently Eva blinked up at him: "How did I do what, Even?" Even just raised his eyebrows at her, until she eventually gave in. "Fiiiine, so Noora doesn't just work here. The store belongs to her and her best friend and she agreed to put up the closed-sign for the afternoon so that nobody would disturb Isak."

It took Even exactly one second to pull Eva into a bone-crushing hug and to kiss her auburn hair a hundred times.

They were interrupted by an almost whinny-sounding "Evyyyy" coming from the direction of the changing rooms. Even laughed a little, before stepping back from Eva. "Sorry, gotta go check on my boyfriend," he grinned and walked over to the changing rooms. Mid-way, however, he suddenly stopped. "Fuck, shit... My girlfriend. I gotta check on my girlfriend. I'm sorry, Isak... Sorry, sorry... I didn't mean to, I just... I didn't think, I..."

Isak's curls and then his face appeared from behind the curtain, he frowned a little at Even. "Stop being ridiculous and come here to help me, please."

Even went over to him, but without stopping to apologize. How stupid could he be??? He had sworn to himself that this would never happen, that he would always make sure to check in with Isak about his preferred pronouns, and yet here he was calling him boyfriend.

"Even, for the love of God, please stop apologizing," Isak said when Even paused his constant flow of apologies to breathe. Isak, who was still mostly hidden by the curtain, put his hands on Even's cheeks to make him look at him. Once their eyes were locked, he continued. "You don't have to apologize, okay? I know that this isn't easy and that we both have to adjust to it... You don't have to worry about it, okay? I know that you're trying and that you're doing everything you can to make me feel better, baby. I know that. And I appreciate it so much, Even, okay? You're the most amazing boyfriend and fucking up pronouns won't change that. And actually, to be honest, I'm fine with you just calling me partner, you know? I love that word so much... not only because it's neutral and you can use it whenever without having to think about it... but also because it's so special and meaningful. Partner. We are partners."

Even took in a deep breath and nodded slowly. "I can do that, I guess." Isak smiled at him and then went on to place the softest kisses on his boyfriend's cheeks and his lips.

"I know you can," he whispered against Even's lip. "And even if you fail at times, I don't care. The only thing that is important to me is that you're with me."

Even laughed against his lips, kissing him back now. "I knew there was the biggest sap in you somewhere, sweetie."

They kissed and laughed for at least a minute until Isak eventually pulled away to look at Even again. "Now, enough of this... Can you please help me with this blouse thingy?"

Frowning, Even stepped into the changing room. "I can, sure... but what's the problem, love?" He looked around at the mess Isak had already created in the small cubicle in the five minutes he had been in there. It made Even smile wide before he redirected his attention to Isak who was holding out a blouse to him.

"I don't know how this is supposed to go on," Isak admitted, a tiny little pout on his face. "Like... these are the arms, but there are some cut-outs or something here...? But then it has these ribbons here... like what the fuck are they for?"

"Oh, sweetie..." Laughing, Even took the blouse from Isak to put it away. "I think... How about you try something easy first?" He scanned their surroundings to eventually pick up a cropped top. "What about this one? I bet you'll look dead cute in it, love." Isak blushed and laughed bashfully while taking the top from him. Even smiled and smoothed Isak's curls. "Try it on with the black skinny jeans... I'll wait outside."

Quickly, Isak grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "No, don't," he murmured, looking down at his shoes with a shy smile on his lips. "Please, don't go, okay? You can stay here with me. Okay?"

Even's eyes widened and he was sure, he was staring at Isak in disbelief. "Are you...- sure?" Isak returned his stare with the softest smile ever.

"Very sure," he breathed before taking off his sweater.

Even's heart wanted to burst with emotion — surprise, love, relief, love, joy, tenderness, love — and he just lunged forward to kiss Isak. "You're so goddamn fucking beautiful, Isak Valtersen."


	81. Chapter 81

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak got himself some outfits, Eva got herself the girl (possibly?).


	82. Chapter 82

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day of internship seems to work out after alll.


	83. Chapter 83

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans for a date night and a big step forward.


	84. Chapter 84

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date night is going great.


	85. Chapter 85

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Even do a dumb thing?


	86. Chapter 86

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sweetest proposal ever.

When Isak returned from the bathroom, Even was just paying their bill and then, almost nervously, shuffled his wallet back into the back pocket of his jeans. Isak frowned at him from across the room, but Even just picked up Isak's cardigan from his chair and came over to him. "Let's get out of here, love," he said, while handing Isak the cardigan, already heading outside.

Still frowning, Isak followed him until Even stopped in a semi-secluded street not far from the pizzeria to light himself a cigarette. Isak tilted his head, but Even didn't even look at him, his leg was nervously twitching. "What the hell is going on, Even?" Isak stepped closer to his boyfriend to get his attention. "Did someone in there say something while I was taking a leak? Did they... did someone make fun of me?" Now it was Isak who was nervously biting his lip, staring up at Even. "What did they say?"

Finally, Even looked at him. But his face was all soft, no anger in sight, only pure nerves. So, nobody had said anything?! Because Isak knew that Even would be fuming right now if that was what had happened. But then what?

Taking a deep breath, Even put the cigarette out and took a step towards Isak. "No, sweetie, no one has said anything. I wouldn't have let them anyway," he whispered while taking Isak's hands in his, interlocking them. "No, I just needed to get out of there... to do something..." Isak furrowed his eyebrows. What the fucking hell was Even going on about? "In fact... I need to ask you something..."

Isak felt like he was the epitome of confusion right now. He had no idea what the hell was going on. Five minutes ago, everything had been just fine and now Even behaved all nervous and weird. "What... What do you want to ask me, Evy?" It felt like a struggle to get the words out, because what if Even wanted to ask him to please never wear female clothes again when they went out? What if Even had realized that he was ashamed of Isak like this? Isak should've known that this might happen... It was two different things, him dressing like this in private and them going out together like this and...

"Isak, are you even listening?" Even's hand on his chin and his raising voice made Isak snap out of his depressing thoughts. He blushed a little since he indeed hadn't been listening. However, Even smiled at him and his thumb was stroking along Isak's jawline. "Sweetie, whatever you're thinking right now is probably very far from the truth... So — stop!" Isak bit his lip and nodded, trying to believe Even's words.

"I love you, Isak Valtersen," Even continued. "I love you with all my heart, body, and soul. Do you remember how I told you that I haven't felt anything like this ever back in the day, sweetie? I meant that. And I still mean it. You're the love of my life, you're my soulmate, you're the best part of me. I've known that I was going to ask you this sooner or later since you came looking for me that one night and told me that I wasn't alone."

By now, Isak was really close to interrupting him to ask him what the hell he wanted to ask him then because the anticipation was getting to him. His mind was going wild with possibilities, one more absurd than the other. The declarations of love, however, left him ending up with the same idea every time, but that couldn't be it. He felt ridiculous for even letting himself think that for more than a second.

"So, yeah... even though, I've been thinking about this every now and then in the past year or so, I haven't planned this at all. Like there's probably a million things I'd normally want to and should say to you, but... I can't think of any of those right now. I should have bought a ring but I haven't... So, I really hope you're not disappointed, sweetie." Isak felt his mouth go slack and his eyes felt like they were about to pop out of his face. His breath was hitching; he was probably shaking, too. Even was really going to...? "But fuck all that, Isak. In the end, it doesn't matter anyway. In the end, the only thing that matters is that I love you and that I want you to be my partner now and for the rest of my life. So please, marry me, okay?"

Isak had no idea for how long he stood there, just staring at Even who was starting to shuffle about nervously already. "Fuck, Even," were the first words he finally managed to speak. "I didn't... I wasn't prepared for that... I... What the fuck... I mean... I... Are you — are you sure?"

Isak's insecurities were nibbling at him again. But Even didn't let him do that. He just took Isak's face in his hands and pulled him close to him. "Surer than I've ever been of anything in my life," he whispered against Isak's lips. "So, can you please just say yes, sweetie?"

Isak smiled radiantly while leaning in to kiss Even deeply. Eventually, he had to retreat to gasp for air. Isak leaned his forehead against Even's looking into his bright blue eyes.

"Yes," he breathed. "Yes, of fucking course I will fucking marry you, man of my dreams."


	87. Chapter 87

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He asked...


	88. Chapter 88

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is happy for them and Eva makes an interesting discovery.


	89. Chapter 89

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He proposed at 21:21 (or that's what they say).


	90. Chapter 90

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthday cuddles for Isak.


	91. Chapter 91

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak has his second coming out.


	92. Chapter 92

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yousef is a sweetheart and Isak is planning something.


	93. Chapter 93

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, maybe there will be a trip after all?!


	94. Chapter 94

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, this is what Even had to get.


	95. Chapter 95

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Isak!


	96. Chapter 96

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When your boyfriend is the one that gets a surprise on your birthday.


	97. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some weeks later somewhere in Sweden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END.  
> Aaaand there's another one finished. Thank you, as always, for (re-)reading, commenting, and leaving kudos. I appreciate it y'all so much, you have no idea. <3333
> 
> I'm gonna take a break from posting a new one over the holidays as I want to focus on [the Christmas fic that I started](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28013310/chapters/68620710). I need to at least get out one more chapter before Christmas and then more during/after the holidays, so you won't have to read a Christmas fic in the summer, lol.


End file.
